Moments

Staring over into the vast unknown. Sai's knees were weak and shaky. It had been a long trudge up the mountain, and she was gasping for air. She tried to stand tall as the wind whipped around her weak body, pulling her to the edge. She had trusted him, only to have her heart broken again. This time she had not been able to cope with the pain, so she had run away. Thus she had spent the day fighting the awful, salty tears that stung her eyes. And the choking pain in her throat, knowing full well that his hands had almost not let go. He had left massive bruises from where his hands had wrapped violently around her neck. Her mind felt as limp, beaten, and exhausted as her body felt. The mountain was a tricky place, she had fallen down on the rocks several times as she climbed it, and the trees had slapped her arms, cutting her with their long wiry branches. It was now dusk, and she had finally made it up to the cliff, finally she had made it up to her chance at freedom. One "careless" step over the edge, and she would be free from him forever. The wind whispered softly to her as it pulled her closer to the jagged edge. The suns finally rays of light dimmed into darkness. She stood on the brink of freedom, and she closed her eyes and remembered.

Dazzling lights the soft sound of dresses swirling across the floor. This was when she had first seen him. A fantastic ballroom, filled with people dressed in the most elaborate costumes imaginable. She was 16, and had never been to anything quite as exhilarating. The gaiety was almost unimaginable with laughter sounding like a tinkling bell ringing along with the music. Sai remembered how amazingly pretty she had felt in her dress. It swooshed and squirreled as magnificently as the others dresses had. It shown like a diamond, and sparkled like the stars in the night sky. She had held her head high, and had laughed the sweetest and softest of all the laughs.

Her mother had always been so protective. But this wonderful weekend she had been allowed to spend away from home. Her parents wanted some time to themselves so they had let her aunt take her for a weekend, and thus she had been spoiled to the fullest with shopping for clothes, shoes, and a dress. Then they had gone to the theater, and lastly but most wonderful of all... her first fancy party. This was where she saw him first. He was the only dark candle in a room full of light. He sat in a corner, alone and unseen by most. His deep, dark eyes met with her soft brown eyes for a second, a moment really, a moment that changed her life completely.

“Hi.” He had spoken to her awkwardly, stumbling over his words nervously as he had asked her to dance. She smiled into his dark eyes, filling them up with a little bit of her radiance. She had a freedom about her. A childlike glow. Yet she was far from being a child in both of their minds. He thought she looked beautiful. A child’s heart enwrapped and developed perfectly into a woman’s body. The way he looked at her, with a hungering look. It was as if his world would crash if she refused his offer to dance. She held out her hands and he wrapped her up into his arms.

Young love. Blind to what laid ahead. His constant wants to touch her appealed to her senses. She wanted to be wrapped up into the intimacy of his arms forever. They wrapped their hearts together into a knot that could never be undone without leaving some kind of serious emotional damage. They were inseparable.

Her parents tried to tell her that something was wrong with her having this kind of relationship. They told her that she was too young to really fall in love. They told her that he was too young to handle the responsibility of her. They told her the she would one day grow up… and in doing so might just realize what a mistake she had made. He would find someone else and leave her. “You’re ridicules!” She had yelled at them as she ran to her room. She thought she knew all the answers. She was a woman in her mind too.

"Sai!" his deep voice was filled with anger as it echoed through the air. Her heart stopped for a moment, reality had snapped her mind back to real world.

The real world?

Reality?

What does that mean anyway? Her mind filled itself with questions, philosophy, and fears. These could be her last moments, but her mind was always working. Her aunt had described it to be like a clock - always ticking. Thoughts flooded around her, swooshing and swirling as if they were dancing in her head.

Moments...

Seconds that can change your life...

Here she was standing on the edge of the cliff, a moment had changed her entire world, therefore this moment could change it all again.

"Sai! Come back!" this time his voice seemed softer, sadder... without the anger that had before pulled her out of her memories. The wind swirled the echoing his plea around her, still trying to pull her closer. She closed her eyes again... this time she remembered his kiss, the sweet smell of his hair, his hands intertwined with hers. She remembered the twinkling wedding bells as the church softly rang out their vows.

She remembered...

Precious moments...

Then she remembered the war. He had left her alone, left her to fight his country, doing so he fought against her country, her family, her childhood... her.

The war. The war didn't affect him... she had thought it had... but no. In reality it had changed her. Her mind was screaming with memories. The wind seemed to become enraged as it pulled her harder, almost violently toward the edge. No! She silently screamed as she stumbled closer. Let me remember! Her mind was the clearest it had ever been. She was standing on the edge between life and death. Or was it between her imagination and reality? For the first time she truly felt alive. At this moment, this second, she was alive as she stood weakly swaying on the balance.

The memories she had of him. After the war those memories seemed to be clouded by an angry storm. The wind in her mind had pushed her over the edge a long time ago. Not the edge of life, but the edge of imagination. She had no real memories of him after the war. She just had the consistent pull of her anger and agony. Her betrayal. No, all she had was emptiness… long nights of emptiness; A blank mind full of emptiness… a mind that had been clouded over by a dull pain. She lived a life of pointless motion, but couldn’t remember what emotion felt like. Now she remembered.

It had started out the same, one happy month of just reliving their past. One month of rejoicing over his return. That month faded into moments too. She remembered it had started out as just feeling lonely. She had felt herself thrown back into a life by herself. He started to hold her less frequently. He started staring off into his own world that she couldn’t reach to. She started to feel bitterness, a gradual bitterness that was slowly building in both her and him. The bitterness was swallowing them into a blanket of emptiness and separation. They started blaming each other for the loneliness they put themselves into.

She would turn away from him and sulk as she listened to the dark music she used to hide in. If he tried to hold her she would bury her face into his shoulder so that she wouldn’t have to meet his eyes. She knew if she looked into his dark eyes she would see only harsh, unwanting eyes. She knew if he saw the tears that were swelling within her; it would just feed his cruel since of justice.

The wind became too hard to resist. She had shut it out of her mind, so instead it pulled at her body. She stumbled and fell to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably for the first time in years… emotions, a thing of the past came crashing down in waves; Like the violent clash of the ocean. She knelt at the edge, swaying half of the cliff. She had been living life though clouded eyes, trying to run through closed doors. Asking for help with silent cries, she watched while crowds blur and fade. The lonely feeling consumed her as she felt trampled by fear, buried alive in his arms. His smiled fooled her for a while, she had thought he was the same man that she had loved… but she soon felt herself falling into a trap… He had left her heart in a broken pile. Plugging her ears, she still heard him laughing. His laughter; like the wind… harsh and unloving.

“SAI!” His voice seemed to engulf her; deep like the depths of the sea, it swallowed up all the air around her. She sat gasping for small breaths, a taste of oxygen… Her lungs seemed to be exploding as she felt her body rocking uncontrollably under the attack of asthma. He had sent her into a shock-like state…. Her body locked up…. But her mind was free. She could no longer control her body as it curled up into a fetal position. She saw his massive unsteady feet crushing past the woods towards her. His feet made a loud gritting sound as they pulverize the gravel and rocks he stumbled over. He moved swiftly, but unsteadily.

She could smell the liquor as he approached. It was an overwhelming putrid aroma. Drinking was also a habit that he had acquired after the war. A disgusting habit that made his temper flare and made him even more abusive. His drinking was a vicious cycle that never ended. He would drink to forget the war, but then it would put him to sleep just to dream about it... so he would wake up and drink some more. A gradual soaking of his mind in gin had made him dull. Yet it was only a temporary dullness of the mind. First he was sharp, violently alert. He would first beat her both with mental and physical abuse until she crashed in a limp pile on the floor, then the dullness set in and he would return to his slumber. His only source of levity came from the hope he sucked out of her heart. She turned her face away trying to breathe a little fresh air in her burning lungs.

His voice echoed again, loud like thunder crashing down. She screamed, but no sound came out from her mouth. Her lips moved silently but her face showed her terror. She had no more hope of salvation. Faith was no longer an option for her.

Moments.

Once more her life swayed upon a moment’s decision. Time's pendulum stood motionless.

Her last mental battle was “why God? Why can’t I leave? Are you going to help me… save me?” But due to a lack of response she had made her decision.

She pushed away from his outstretched arms. She pushed towards the edge. She made the decision to just end it all. No more emptiness. No more pain. She would have no more memories either, but she didn’t mind. The few memories she did have she wanted to scratch out of her brain. This was her final moment. Her chance at freedom. Her one moment of clarity… peace of mind. She was shutting out the darkness. She was shutting out the persistent questions that plagued her… the consistent “why”. Finally she would have no questions, no desperate hope that felt so meaningless.

He dove for her. Struggling against her weak body he pulled her back towards the woods. That second or moment of time had been enough for him to react. He pulled her away from her death, but by doing so he pulled her away from her hope. He yelled his usual profanities into her ears. Her mind shut itself down once again as his voice echoed and pounded in her ears. Once more her mind yelled “Why God? Why can’t I just die?!” His rough hands crushed her tiny arms as he pushed her towards the ground into submission. His laughter once more rang out, ripping the last shreds of her heart into pieces. He stumbled. Groggy from the drink he staggered backwards towards the edge. The wind picked up once more and pushed with all its might. Sai saw him swaying on the edge. She felt hatred towards him… yet as she saw him reach out to regain his balance, she felt a different emotion. She felt pity. She realized he had been living under a blanket of emptiness too. His mind had been drowning in a cloud of liquor. She wondered how they had become so bitter... So lonely and empty. She watched as he disappeared over the edge, his laughter turned to a scream as it echoed for a moment more, then she heard the crash... Then silence.

Stillness, a hush in time. Momentarily quiet, the world is muffled. Her pulse paused, the pumping stilled. She felt tucked under a blanket of calm. She felt invisible arms reached out and grabbed her. Strong but gentle arms pulled her back to life, back to reality. After a long painful journey of the mind, Sai remembered.

She cried as she pulled her body away from the edge. She was no longer in a cloud of darkness. She remembered her faith. She remembered how God makes the difference during those moments when life changes completely. She realized how much she had depended on herself to make the decisions... and how she had failed. She remembered what she had forgotten… she remembered her childhood, when faith came easily. The wind died down. No more did it cloud her mind, nor her heart. She looked up from her dark world she had created in her mind and realized the beauty that surrounded her. This was her second chance at life. This was her chance for new moments, a new world. Momentum suddenly became apparent as time's pandemonium prevailed. She remembered, and then forgot. Forgot all the pain that had been speared into her soul. Her burden had been lifted. Her past forgotten. Now was her chance at moving forward.

She embraced the hope of a new beginning. Although his face haunted her dreams... She had hope. Faith that God had given her a second chance. He had heard her plea of desperation when she was at that moment of complete darkness. He had pulled her back to life, reality, light. She could start over in her mind, back to the beginning... She was once more the sixteen year old girl twirling in her shinny new dress. Once more she had the world before her, and eternity ahead!